Parenting Through Divorce

There are four pillars of security in a child's life, in all of our lives - people, place, routine, and ritual. Separation and divorce touches all four, usually for both the adults and children involved. Each child, at each stage of development, views the world through their own unique lenses. From birth, each child has her own sensitivity to change, to unexpected events, and to distress. Children respond to dramatic events and stress in their own ways and with differing intensity. In times of our own family stress, it is important to really try to understand our child's focus and perspective. Some things to remember:

• Children under the age of 3 always know something is up. They absorb the tension, fear, withdrawal, or hurt of the people they love and the changes around them. Even very young babies react when parents are upset or depressed. Infants and toddlers can only show their distress with the language of behavior: being irritable or contrary, clinging to you, and crying. They often show distress through their daily routines: eating, sleeping, and toileting.
• More than anything, preschoolers fear abandonment, and they often think they are the cause of an event. They also speak through the language of their behavior, play, and art.
• Older children often feel responsible and act out or withdraw, or react with other behavioral changes. They have enough life experience and the intellectual skills to worry about what this means to their future.

Having a discussion about Mommy and Daddy not living together anymore is, without question, one of the most difficult conversations, or series of conversations, you will ever have. There are no magic words to make this easier for anyone involved, but the following guidelines may help you focus on what's most important - your child:

• Agree with the other parent about what you will say to your child and, if possible, sit down together with him or her to share the news.
• Don't blame each other. No child benefits from the denigration of a parent. Use neutral language to explain the reasons for the break up. "Mommy and Daddy don't get along anymore." We have tried to fix the problems between us, but it didn't work and the best solution is for us to live apart."
• Clearly explain what will happen when you separate - what will change and what will stay the same at the level that the child can understand. Be prepared to answer questions about where both parents will live, who will take care of the child, and who will take her to child care, school, birthday parties, and other activities.
• Reassure your child that she will be taken care of no matter what, and that both parents love her very much. Ask your child what she understands. Give her the chance to talk and ask questions.
• Allow your child time to adjust to the news. Expect outbursts of temper and/or tears, periods of silence, and even apathy while she processes this new information. Make sure your initial discussion has plenty of time built in for hugs, kisses, conversation, and reassurances.
• Let your child know that it's okay to feel sad, angry, scared, hurt, or anything else she may be feeling and that she can always talk to you and/or the other parent about her feelings; or to other special adults.

As you reconstruct your own pillars of security, remember to keep your child's in mind as well.

• Try to maintain your child's routine and, when change can't be avoided, introduce adjustments as gradually as possible. Try to keep the same child care provider, schools, activities, and/or friends. Children of all ages are comforted by continuity. Create a calendar so your child can see when he will spend time with each parent.
• Let your child's teachers and caregivers know about the separation or divorce and any resulting changes to your family structure so they can provide support, share any insights into the child's experience, and let you know if they notice any significant changes in your child's behavior. Remember, children's behavior changes all the time and not all behavior of concern stems from traumatic change.
• Try to be very available to your child. While it's important to maintain your routine, it's more important to provide your child with the extra reassurance he needs during the transition. A certain amount of neediness and regression is completely normal. Your child may want to climb in bed with you in the middle of the night, get more hugs, and crave your emotional support and physical presence. Be there as much as you can, and when you can't, reassure your child. At the same time, don't use your child to satisfy your own emotional neediness to make up for your loss. Children may feel they need to take care of their parents, which is normal, but it is our responsibility to keep that caring instinct within healthy limits.
• Don't let your guilty feelings affect your discipline habits. Your child needs consistency, perhaps now more than ever. Let him know that his feelings of sadness and anger are okay, but you are still in charge. While it's important to be flexible, don’t change your rules or expectations and allow your child to use the divorce as a reason to not follow the home and school routine.

• Remind your child over and over again that she did not cause the separation/divorce and that both parents still love her very much.
• Let her know that even though you and the other parent won't be married anymore, your child still has two parents and a family. You just don't all live in the same place anymore.
• Explain that, although the parents' feelings toward each other have changed, you love your child forever.
• Let her know that her parents will continue to take care of her and will always be there for her.

• Encourage your child to share his feelings with you and repeatedly reassure him of your love for him. You might start the conversation by saying something like: "I'm wondering if you're feeling sad that Daddy doesn't live with us anymore. It's okay to feel sad - I feel sad sometimes, too - but it doesn't mean that Daddy or I love you any less."
• Let your child know that all his feelings - sadness, anger, fear, confusion, loneliness, relief, etc. - are normal and that you understand them.
• If you're concerned about your child's emotions (or your ability to support him and continue to set limits), seek help. Talk to your pediatrician, church, school, or child care provider about counseling options for your child and/or the entire family. Your child may want to open up and talk about his feelings, but he may be concerned about burdening you or making you feel sad or mad since the feelings involve you.
• Don't blame his anxieties or problems on the other parent - especially in your child's presence.
• Read and talk to your child often. Use children's books like It's Not Your Fault, KoKo Bear (by Vicky Lansky) and Dinosaur's Divorce: A Guide for Changing Families (by Laura Krasny Brown and Marc Brown) as a springboard for discussion about divorce.

Much of the damage from divorce comes when children become enmeshed in all the emotions and issues that caused the marriage to end - before, during, and after the divorce.

• Never say negative things about the other parent to your child or to someone else in front of your child. Call a friend after your child goes to bed, write in a journal, scribble your thoughts on a piece of paper and flush it down the toilet, talk to a counselor, or just bite your tongue. Your child feels criticism of the other parent as if it is criticism of the child. Destructive remarks about the other parent cause your child to feel anxiety about how you feel about her.
• Never ask your child, either directly or indirectly, which parent she loves more, wants to spend more time with, and so on. The child loses in any competition between parents.

• Keep your child informed about any major upcoming changes. Anxiety grows when children are left in the dark. Your child will feel more secure if he knows ahead of time that the visitation schedule is changing, that you are moving, or that he won't be going to T-ball anymore.
• Be prepared to keep talking about the divorce with your child. Just because you discussed the issue with him when you first shared the news, doesn't mean your child is finished having feelings about the divorce. As the years pass, your child may need to ask new questions. Continue to provide an environment that is nurturing, emotionally supportive, and where your child feels comfortable sharing his feelings, whatever they are.
• Make sure your child feels like he has a place in each parent's home. Whether he spends an hour a week or seven nights a week at a parent's place, it's important that he feels like he belongs. If he doesn't have his own bed or room, get an extra toothbrush, put artwork on the refrigerator, and/or identify a drawer or shelf where he can keep special things.
• Try to develop a mutually respectful relationship with the other parent. If the other parent doesn't always treat you with respect, keep in mind that you are doing this for your child, and be respectful anyway. Make a commitment to the other parent (and to yourself) that you will not fall back into old habits of arguing and trying to hurt each other. Think about how important your child is to you. You can't change the other parent's behavior, but you control your own actions and stay focused on the goal of making life better for your child.
• Don't get into a competitive cycle with the other parent where you try to outdo each other with gifts, vacations, and activities. This generates tension and hostility between you and the other parent and it encourages the child to expect bigger and bigger rewards.
• Let go of your expectations of being the perfect parent. Not only is it impossible, trying will just add to your frustration and guilt.

Divorce can be a difficult and painful ending - to a marriage, to a dream, and to parenting your child as part of a single family unit. It can also be an opportunity for growth - for parents and kids - and the beginning of a happy and healthy new family. Regardless of where you are now, it's important to remember: Even if you and the other parent aren't living happily ever after as husband and wife, you are parents forever, and through your child, you are likely connected forever. Depending on your child's age at the time of the divorce, there will be the need for many revisions along the way. It's important to remain flexible and open to making adjustments in parenting. As your child grows up, her feeling and needs will change and so will your circumstances. There's negotiating holidays, parental dating and possible remarriage, job changes, moves, varied child care needs, ever-changing school and activities schedules, and so on. In other words, life will go on, the way that it does, and, whether married or divorced, we just need to do the best job we can each day.

For Parents
Parenting After Divorce: A Guide to Resolving Conflicts and Meeting Your Children's Needs, by Philip Stahl.

The Co-Parenting Survival Guide: Letting Go of Conflict after a Difficult Divorce, by Elizabeth Thayer, Ph. D., and Jeffrey Zimmermann, Ph.D.

Between Love & Hate: A Guide to Civilized Divorce, by Lois Gold, MSW.

Mom's House, Dad's House: A Complete Guide for Parents Who are Separated, Divorced, or Remarried, by Isolina Ricci.

Putting Kids First: Walking Away from A Marriage Without Walking Over the Kids, by Michael Odenino.

www.divorcemagazine.com This online magazine features articles about helping children through divorce, co-parenting, single parenting, father's rights, mother's rights, and more.

www.kidsturn.org - Kids' Turn is a nonprofit organization designed to help children and parents through divorce.

For Children
It's Not Your Fault, KoKo Bear, by Vicky Lansky and Jane Prince (Illustrator)- Ages 3 to 7.

Dinosaurs Divorce: A Guide for Changing Families, by Lauren Krasny Brown and Marc Brown - Grade 1 to 3.

Mama and Daddy Bear's Divorce, by Cornelia Maude Spelman, Kathy Parkinson (Illustrator) - Preschool to Grade 1.

Two Homes, by Claire Masurel, Kady Macdonald Denton (Illustrator) - Preschool to Grade 1.

I Don't Want to Talk About It, by Jeanie Franz Ransom, Kathryn Kunz Finney (Illustrator) - Kindergarten to Grade 3.

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