Helping Your Children Develop Socially-Emotionally
Children need our help to develop socially- the ways they relate to others, and emotionally- the ways in which they manage their feelings. We need to teach them to see another's point of view, care about another's feelings, and to communicate effectively. The most important thing we can do is acknowledge and accept our children's feelings. All parents want the best for their children and they often think that dismissing or ignoring their children's unpleasant emotions will make those "negative" emotions go away. Longitudinal studies by John Gottman, Ph.D have shown that those children who received empathy from their parents when they were sad, angry or fearful performed better in school, were in better health, and got along better with other children and adults compared to those children who did not receive empathy for their so-called negative emotional experiences.
Ways to Enhance Children's Social-Emotional Development
Acknowledge and Accept Children's Feelings- this gives children language to communicate their emotional experiences, helps them calm down, and helps them feel that they are important to their family.
"You seem really frustrated right now. I'm sorry you feel frustrated- what can we do to make things better?"
Versus dismissing/criticizing/ignoring a child's emotions:
"There's no reason to be upset. Stop being a baby. Forget about it and go find something to do."
Set Limits- even when we show our children that we understand their emotional experiences, it is important to set limits.
"You seem really frustrated right now. It's ok to be frustrated, but we don't throw things when we are frustrated."
Offer Choices- it's important to teach children that whining, screaming or crying is not the way to get what they want. Acknowledging children's feelings and offering them choices, instead of engaging them in a power struggle, can teach them to express themselves verbally. Children also learn that there will be times in life when they will need to compromise and tolerate not getting their way.
"I'm sorry that you are frustrated that we have to clean up. We can clean up now and go to the park, or clean up after playing another game and not go to the park. What do you want to do?"
Create Opportunities for Children to Achieve and Overcome Fears- children need a sense of mastery to build confidence.
"I'm sorry you are afraid of the dark. Let's talk about what is scary and how we can make it less scary; i.e. night light, door open, stuffed animal in bed.
Give Children Individual Attention- children develop social-emotional competencies in the context of relationships. Taking time each day to connect to your child through play, and teaching sharing, taking turns, and communicating verbally can build their confidence.
"How about just you and I play a game together."
Be Consistent- when children know what to expect they tend to feel calmer. Parents may not agree on everything, but consistent routines and rules enforced by both parents can give children a sense of belonging and really help them feel secure.
"Mom and dad need you to feed the dog every night before dinner."
Let the Consequences Do the Work- often times children infuriate us and we tend to raise our voices and sometimes yell. Yelling can be very scary for children. It's important to teach children consequences for their choices. Teaching them cause and effect (If...then...) can enhance their social-emotional skills.
"If you can't put the toys away then you won't be able to play with them next time."
(only say things that you are prepared to follow through on so your children learn to trust your word.)
Remember: You are the most important person in your children's lives. It's unrealistic to think that you, or your children, will be perfect. Learning to tolerate your own and others' mistakes can help you be there for your children when they need you the most. When you are constantly striving for perfection you may get angry and frustrated when you just want your families to be healthy and happy. Your expectations of perfection of yourself and others get in the way of expressing love. The ability to listen, avoid power struggles, tolerate feelings and show empathy is key to providing an environment in which your family can thrive.
"Children are able to shine when they feel heard and understood." Dr. Robert Coles, Harvard Professor Child Psychology