Empathy: The Heart of Parenting

Research shows that pivotal moments in child development lie in how parents interact with their children when emotions run high. When parents offer their children understanding and help them cope with feelings like anger, sadness and fear, parents build bridges of loyalty and trust. Emotional interactions between parent and child become the foundation for instilling values and also have a great impact on a child's long-term well-being. Children whose feelings are acknowledged tend to behave well, have fewer health problems and perform well in school.

Common Reasons Why Caregivers Ignore/Dismiss/Criticize Children's Emotions

• believe that children's emotions are irrational; i.e. "you are silly to feel that way"
  
• to toughen children up; i.e. "stop being a baby"
  
• don't want children to feel angry, sad or afraid; i.e. "don't be sad- go find something to do"
• believe that children are manipulating us; it's important to validate the emotion and not the misbehavior

Impact on Children When Their Feelings are Ignored/Dismissed/Criticized

• "I'm not important."
  
• "There's something wrong with me."
  
• "I can't trust my own perception."
  
• "I don't want to listen to my parents until they listen to me."

When caretakers ignore or criticize children's feelings their feelings don't necessarily go away, and children are less likely to listen to us until they feel heard and understood. Empathy and problem solving are the foundation of effective parenting.

How to Diffuse Intense Emotions- Empathize and Problem Solve

Good parenting involves accepting emotions. Parents' reactions to their children's anger, sadness and fear impact their children's health, academic performance and friendships.

i.e. The child jumps up and down crying and throws his jacket because he can't go to the park.

1. Listen for their feelings behind their words and behavior; engage children when they are upset instead of ignoring or criticizing them.


• Listening to your child and acknowledging his anger can help calm him down;
  - "I want to understand why you are so upset."
  
  2. Label their feelings with their help
  
  
• Labeling emotions can have a soothing effect on the nervous system; it helps the child focus and calm down.
  - "Let's talk about why you are so upset. You seem really angry."
  
  3. Let children know that their feelings are important to you; empathize
  
  
• The child hears that you are on his side and is more likely to listen to you.
  - "I'm really sorry that you are angry we can't go to the park today. I wish we could go to the park too."
  
  4. Set limits on any misbehavior; problem-solve together
  
  
• It's important not only to empathize with children so that they feel heard and understood, but to also to problem solve together about how to express feelings.
  - "I understand that you are worried about not seeing your friends at the park, but it's not ok to throw things when we are upset. What can we do instead of throwing our things when we are angry?

When we seek to understand our children's experience, they feel supported. They know we're on their side and they are likely to have fewer behavioral problems, concentrate better, have better peer relationships, higher academic achievement and good health.

"Children are happiest and most successful when they are listened to, understood and taken seriously by their parents." - John Gottman, Ph.D.

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