Parents Play a Special Role in their Child's Social-Emotional Life (0-3 yrs.)
According to the extensive research from the Harvard Pre-School Project, the first three years of life constitute the "critical period" for social-emotional development. Experiences in early childhood influence the capacity to form close relationships throughout life and to regulate emotions.
The Harvard research studies indicate that it is possible to raise a toddler who is happy most of the time, feels secure, and is able to make friends easily when it comes time for pre-school. During the ages around 1-2 years old is inevitably the most stressful for parents (and children) because it is the time when children start testing the limits. This "testing" behavior typically lasts for a minimum of six months, but will continue to last until the child has a clear sense that the parent is in charge. Whether a child has become spoiled or not becomes quite clear by the age of two. The goal is to have a 2 year old who has learned that he is extremely precious and loved, and that his needs and desires will be met most of the time, but not always. During the ages around 2-3 years old can be a very enjoyable time for parents if their children have learned to accept their authority for the most part.
Building a Healthy Emotional Foundation:
Responding Compassionately to Infant's Cries (0 -7 ½ months)
Babies are born with a biological need for closeness and physical contact. Being responsive to these instinctive needs helps children become secure, happy and independent. Newborns don't misbehave, they just communicate the only way nature allows them to. So ignoring an infant's cries teaches them that their only means of communication is not effective, and therefore they feel helpless. The cry of a newborn is simply an automatic response to discomfort- such as hunger, temperature, dirty diaper, etc. When parents respond consistently and promptly to relieve the infant's discomfort, a healthy emotional foundation is set. The infant develops positive feelings about himself and other people, feels cared for and special, which forms the basis for the ability to trust and love throughout life. There is no way of overemphasizing the importance of responding to an infant's cries compassionately and quickly during this period.
Differentiating Between an Automatic Cry and an Intentional Cry (7 ½ - 14 months)
During this time babies are learning how to use their legs, feet, arms, hands, and fingers. They are also becoming extremely curious about their environment, and more aware of your reactions.
Motor Skills
From around 7 ½ -14 months old babies are starting to sit up, crawl, pull themselves up to stand, hold things in their hands, and possibly to walk. Practicing new motor skills can cause the baby a lot of frustration. This tends to be a time when there are a lot of bumps, falls and bruises. Responding promptly to a baby's every cry, as is essential during the first 7 ½ months, regardless if the bump is serious or not, can cause babies to get into the habit of complaining frequently. By responding to minor mishaps or discomforts with verbal reassurance, babies can learn to take minor frustrations in stride. The majority of minimal cries will end within 30 seconds provided you don't always rush to the baby at every bump. If your baby learns that you will rush to him at every mishap, he is likely to develop an intentional cry to get you to come to him, even if he doesn't need help. Another way to prevent intentional crying is to give your baby a lot of attention before he demands it. For example, your enthusiastic praise at each achievement of control over the body not only provides positive attention, it builds the baby's confidence and sense of pride.
Once a baby has acquired an intentional cry, it is important to distinguish between cries of discomfort and cries for attention. Accordingly, you need to modify your response to the cries so the baby doesn't develop a habit of excessive crying or whining. And remember to be attentive before the baby has to find negative ways to get a reaction.
Curiosity
During the second half of their first year of life, babies become increasingly curious about their surroundings. They need space to roam and explore. If a baby is confined to a play pen or to the same room, he will become bored and develop an intentional cry for you to entertain him, since his ability to satisfy his curiosity has been thwarted. Sometimes allowing exploration leads babies to get into things that aren't always safe. One way to prevent this is to put valuables out of reach, use latches on certain cabinets, and pad corners of low tables, and use gates in front of rooms that are forbidden. Babies of this age will also likely want to put things in their mouth, pull your hair, grab your glasses/jewelry so it's important to keep small things out of reach and wear minimal accessories. During this stage, babies are also learning which of their behaviors get your attention. When the baby does something inappropriate when attempting to satisfy his curiosity, and gets a dramatic reaction from you, the baby is more likely to repeat the behavior because your reaction is a form of exciting attention. Making a big deal about any undesirable behavior reinforces it because the baby knows how to get your attention.
Example: baby drops food on the floor- don't make a big deal about it. If the baby does it repeatedly express calmly that you don't want him to throw food on the floor. Don't use elaborate explanations to prolong the interaction. Long explanations actually reinforce behavior because the baby is aware he has your full attention. If the baby continues after you told him once calmly not to throw food, you can end the meal. The child will not become malnourished and he will learn that there are consequences for not accepting limits.
The Most Difficult Time for Parents (14-22 months)
No parent gets through this period with ease. As your baby matures, his interest to be near you will reach even a higher level, one that is not likely to recur at any later time in life. Additionally, as your baby continues to gather information about which of his behaviors get a reaction from you, he develops a strong will to exert some power over you.
Attachment
Attachment is the most important task for the 14-22 month year old. If children learn how to form deep, meaningful attachments when they are young, they will be able to do so later in life. Children who feel a connection with others will be much happier and healthier. Reading books together can help establish this attachment, as can other activities that require physical closeness and your undivided attention. It's still important to satisfy their other interests: curiosity- i.e. choose books with a variety of pictures and colors, read in different areas, etc.; using motor skills- i.e. allow baby to turn pages, pick up books from shelf, etc..
Experimenting with Power
Babies around 14 months old start opposing suggestions that usually are appealing to them just to assert power. If limits aren't set consistently, children will continue to whine, scream and cry until it becomes clear who is in charge. Until the child has stopped struggling for authority, and thus stopped being demanding, impatient, and difficult to please, the child will have a difficult time playing well with peers (pre-school readiness). Because of the inevitable stress during this period, it's important to take breaks from your child.
Example: power struggle at sleep time Your child refuses to go down for a nap, and cries and screams to get his way. Sleep times are a separation time for your baby, and since he has a heightened need to be with you, sleep time can become very stressful during this period of life. It's very important to not give into whines, cries and screams if you want an enjoyable toddler who is not overly self-centered, demanding and easily frustrated. To make sleep times easier for you and your baby, when sleep signs appear let him know verbally that it is time to go to sleep. Put him in the crib and rub his back or tummy for a few minutes. When you leave the room, close the door most of the way. If the baby cries, resolve that you are going to wait a full five minutes. If the baby is still crying, get him from his crib and resume play until sleep signs reappear.
Payoff Time (22-36 months)
The pace of development from around 2-3 years of age is remarkably slow in comparison to the first 2 years. By this time babies have ideally mastered basic body skills, continue to be curious, feel attached to one of their primary caretakers, and have accepted their parent's authority for the most part. Otherwise it is likely the child will still be engaged in a day-to-day power struggle with his parents because he has learned, that if he pushes really hard, screams or cries, that he will get his way. His social interest will still be primarily focused on the parents, rather than on his peers. To the extent a 3 year old has been overindulged, other children will not be inclined to play with him. Such children are less likely to share, tend to be demanding, become easily frustrated, and are quicker to hit or push when they don't get their way. The sooner you teach your child to be respectful of you and others, the better. When children feel they can stop testing the limits, and are getting the positive attention they need, they are able to use their minds for other things. They can enjoy life more, and you can enjoy them more.
Why it's Hard to Set Limits
Other than not wanting to be responsible for your child's unhappiness, parents may give in to their children's unreasonable demands because they are too tired to put up with a fuss, or if they can't spend a lot of time with their child they may give in because of guilty feelings. Parents may feel that if their child is upset with them they will cause the child emotional damage or harm the parent/child relationship. However, when it comes to setting limits because of safety issues parents seem to have no trouble following through. As your children learn about the world they don't have any idea that attempting to run across the street warrants a different reaction than insisting on another cookie. The key is to provide limits that teach your baby safe and acceptable behavior, along with love and nurturing.
If you don't give into a child's fits and cries he stops using them. Some children push very hard to get what they want. They may become furious at you when you have denied them, and may even behave in a way that appears potentially self-destructive. Rest assured that if you don't react to such behavior it will stop generally as soon as they start to feel pain. Ignoring undesirable behavior may be difficult, but if a child gets a lot of attention for misbehavior, such as your undivided attention when you explain to them why their behavior is inappropriate, the attention typically is a reinforcer. A brief, simple explanation for misbehavior, and re-directing them with LOTS of positive attention can change things around sometimes in as little as a week to 10 days.
Long-term Happiness vs. Short-term Unhappiness
Early childhood experiences have a powerful influence on development and over-all well being in life. The best long-term results require parents to occasionally tolerate short-term unhappiness in their child. Parents have a strong need to make their child realize how much he is loved and accepted. Children still need to know that as loved and valued as they are, they must learn important social skills so that they are happy, can make friends easily, and feel secure throughout life.