Helping Your Children Cope with Loss

Children seek answers and comfort from their caregivers and other adults in their lives. Yet in the face of loss of loves ones, adults often feel helpless in this role. While adults cannot have answers to all the questions that children may have about death, caregivers can comfort children through the grieving process and help them feel safe:

While the finality of death is not fully understood, a child may realize that death means separation, and separation from loved ones and the loss of care involved are frightening. Being cared for is a realistic and practical concern, and a child needs to be reassured. Ask a question such as: "Are you worried that I won't be here to take care of you?" A reassuring answer could be something like, "I don't expect to die for a long time. I expect to be here to take care of you as long as you need me."

Accept and validate the child's feelings. The most common feelings that children of all ages (including adults) have concerning death are anxiety, anger, loneliness and confusion. You can help your children understand these feelings by listening and reflecting back what you heard. With time, love, and understanding, children can learn to carry the burdens of loss in ways that will not interfere with their social-emotional development.

Encourage children to express their grief. Children may very easily distort an event and come to the wrong conclusions about causality; i.e. "Grandpa died because he was coming to see me." In such an understanding, children assume some degree of responsibility for the death, which can lead to very inappropriate feelings of guilt. Try to correct any misperceptions immediately, and be prepared to correct these false, destructive ideas again and again.

Help children put feelings into words and provide honest answers to questions. Tell them as much as you think they can understand, making sure not to frighten them. While some elements of death and tragedy will always remain beyond understanding, you can tell a child that you don't have all the answers. If children feel that they share the unknown and unknowable with an adult, they tend to feel safer. Try not to let children develop a sense that there is a secret about a painful event- let children know that adults cannot and will not understand some things either.

Parents may need to reassure children that it is all right for them to resume normal daily activities as well as to play and laugh again. Encourage them to do normal childhood things such as read, play with their friends, and have some fun.

Create a photo album, memory book or a scrapbook with your children. Help them create a memorial garden; plant a few flowers, fruits or vegetables.

When a family member dies, you may be reluctant to let your children see you grieve, fearing that the burden of your sadness will be too much for them. But in this situation, it's even more important to share your feelings. Children tend to equate death with being left alone, which brings on the fear of desertion. If parents simply withdraw without explaining what has happened or how they feel about it, the child's worst fears will be confirmed.

It's important to remember that you can't shield your child entirely from the pain of loss. It is very difficult for parents to see their children in distress, but it is even harder for children not to have the death of a loved one explained to them. Parents who openly talk about their grief send a message to their children that it is okay for them to do so. Because children cannot carry the burden of all your pain, try to maintain times for play and talk without conversation about the deceased person. Balance, as best you can, the sharing of sad feelings, with the sharing of pleasant activities together. This lets your children know how much they are valued.

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