Sara Shaw M.S., MFT - Social-Emotional Development Consultant

The Anxiety of Parenting

Parenting is a learning and growth process. All of us struggle with our anxiety about not being able to control our children, or other people for that matter, but the way to retain a position of influence is to gain control of ourselves. Parenting is not an effort to try to force our kids to do something, it is an effort to teach them that there are consequences to their choices. The key is trying to:

Having a Calm Approach

Your kids want you to stay calm even when they aren't in control. Parents seem to share a universal anxiety about how their kids will turn out, and when the anxiety takes over parents get reactive. By calming emotional responses parents can have more influence on and better connections with their children.

Children push our buttons and we can tend to yell, storm out of public places with our children, or allow them to do what they want because it's easier for us. Needing our children to behave so we know we've done a good job makes for an anxiety-driven approach to our parenting and puts a lot of pressure on a child. Parents so often feel overwhelmed by exhaustion, frustration, worry, and managing all that they have to do. We often feel under-appreciated and inadequate. We wonder if parenting is supposed to be so difficult and the answer is yes. But we don't have to feel so much pressure and so overwhelmed.

Think about a time when your child was out of control and how situations could have been different if you had had greater control over your own fear, anger, or frustration for example. Can you recall a time when your emotions got out of control and it actually helped the situation?

Parenting is difficult and nothing can change that, but we can make it more rewarding. As parents face new challenges with their children each new challenge is an opportunity for growth. It's up to parents how to manage the inherent anxiety about being a parent and not allow it to provoke them to try to control their children. Parental anxiety when it comes to our children is a testament of how much we care, how much we want the best for them. When they don't do want we want we are beside ourselves. Children make different choices than we want them to make, which is actually a healthy sign that they are learning to think for themselves. The goal of parenting is not to gain control of our children, it is to be in charge. If we want to be in charge we have to be under control, and our calm approach will allow us to build trust and be connected to our children.

Refusing to Engage in Power-Struggles

When our children test us, which they will, it is an opportunity for growth as a parent; another chance to practice staying calm. As your child develops he continues to test, which feels like a fight to you. Instead of fighting your child's assertiveness and desire to connect with you, try the following:

'The child who doesn't want to go to bed'

Try not to take your child's behavior personally and set your frustration aside so your children can sort through their's.

Empathize with your child, i.e., "you must really not want to go to bed right now. Sometimes I don't want to go to bed either, but we both need our sleep."
(instead of getting into a power struggle just empathize with your child's resistance. This in itself can avoid a power struggle because the child hears that you are on his side).

Offer a choice, i.e., "I can either tell you a story or put on bedtime music. Which do you think would be more helpful?"
(allowing your children to choose meets their need to assert themselves and enlists their help in solving the problem).

When we take our children's testing behavior personally the more upset we are likely to become. Getting upset makes the problem worse because the child's motivation to assert himself and connect with us is confused by our anxious reactions, which can overwhelm a child. Our children don't know why they have to cooperate, but we know that they need to so they learn to be responsible, productive individuals who can get along with others.

Enforcing Consequences

The truth about life is that for every choice there is a consequence. Children will learn by the consequences of THEIR choices. Consistency and structure are very helpful for a child to have a clear understanding of who is the authority, what choices are available and what the consequences are for those choices. Setting schedules and enforcing consequences need to be established, along with a balance of making time for fun, togetherness, affection, and play.

'The child who doesn't want to clean-up'

Avoid a power-struggle: Empathize i.e. "It seems like you really don't want to clean up today. Sometimes I don't like to clean up either. What are we going to do about this?
(Child hears you are on his side)

Offer a choice, i.e. "You can clean up and go to the park, or if choose not to clean up you can't go to the park today. It's your choice."
(meets child's need to have a sense of independence, and teaches child consequences of his choices)

Enforce consequences: If the child doesn't clean up he can't go to the park that day (a consequence for not cooperating is that some privilege in the near future is taken away from the child).
(the more children experience consequences at home the more likely they are to accept authority and abide by rules outside of the home)

The worst thing that could happen is that your child would throw a fit for a few minutes. That is better than giving into his demands and thus teaching him to not take your word. Don't take it personally or worry that you are damaging your relationship with your child if you don't give in. You need to show your children that you are in charge and that they can trust your word.

Accepting responsibility for our actions, in other words, accepting the consequences of our choices is the type of growth we want for our children. Sometimes that means watching them suffer through their consequences. We don't like to watch our children make mistakes or to take the time and energy to enforce consequences. So we get upset hoping this will force our children to behave. When it doesn't work we get more upset. Our anxiety prompts us to protect our child from any pain, so we do whatever it takes to avoid that. Even if means neglecting to enforce consequences, which means helping them avoid consequences. Learning from mistakes can be the most effective form of education. If it weren't for speeding tickets we would all speed. It would be great if our children could learn without making mistakes or never experience pain. Calming ourselves down while our children make poor choices is as difficult as it gets. We panic and yell. The message to our children is that we can't handle their behavior and thus they are responsible for our anxiety. As a result will they trust us later with their problems, or lie to us about their choices? By using a calm approach you can empathize with your children's situation and be supportive as they learn the consequences of their choices.

Back to Articles